I don’t really wanna do this
By this I mean typing out what just happened, since it forces me to thoroughly re-evaluate everything.
So, T just came over and apologized. P told him, which I’m surprised at, but thankful I guess. So first he was baffled as to why I took what he said to heart. I’m not sure exactly either, and his confusion causes me to feel less confident in my choice. Which leads to regrets on how I reacted. But then I remember a quote I once heard:
So I guess Imma just embrace that mentality. I mean other people have even told me what he did wasn’t right. Now I just feel guilty for making him feel bad. Funny since at first I wanted him to feel terrible.
I think I told him I was bothered by the fact that other people were bagging on me that day, and he did out lout in front of everyone, which made me feel humiliated. Just having TN laugh out loud at me made me embarrassed, hearing AN and RH’s insults escalated the situation to more anger for me.
I know we just made up, but I still feel pretty bothered in a way. I tried expressing how I felt and it just seems like he thought I was being dramatic. I doubt he truly thinks that, but that’s how I am feeling. Paranoid? He just kept saying that he didn’t think it was a big deal at the time because we always joke like that. Which I do understand. But I never do it so publicly..? And then the comparison to AL… ugh. I didn’t like that one bit. Not that I have anything against her, but when he said something alone the lines of “I just thought you were like her, and she’s okay with it.” Uh… thanks? Not. I just don’t appreciate comparisons like that, which in turn devalue me in some way.
Eh idk where I’m getting at. Deuces.
This is why I don't talk to you that much anymore..
Fancy Nancy 10: 47 pm
eh
as long as i feel like i look good
mrq10: 48 pm
the way you feel does not affect how many people call you fag
Fancy Nancy 10: 48 pm
the amount of people calling me fag does not affect how i feel
mrq 10: 49 pm
don't know why you're lying to me
it's a hypothetical situation
no need to defend your hypothetical insecurities
& Now I'm looking back thinking what did I ever see in a rude boy like you..
Roller coasters
And suddenly here I am, once again reminiscing about you, wondering if you ever think of me like so. Next comes the feelings of doubt, and wondering if my rushed choice was indeed a just one.
Things on my mind
- Roller coasters
- Smiling while we kissed
- Just being in each others presence
- Painting my nails your favorite color
- Sneaking kisses
- Sigh
Why hello tumblr change.
Well I am currently feeling empty, bare, and uninspired. It kind of feels like my mind just paused itself while life still continues on around me. I figured if I expressed myself in someway, I might be able to get out of this gutter I find myself in.
For the past couple days all I’ve done is just stare mindlessly at the computer screen. I have so much to do, and I actually had a plentiful am mount of time, but still I chose to let it all fly by my eyes. Even now I planned to dedicate my whole evening to finishing all these projects, and somehow, once again I found myself wandering into the comfort of the internet.
I feel like just a mindless worker doing just what is required of me for school. I may succeed at this all, but what will I do with the things I gain? In the end it just feels like I’m taking a possible chance away from someone else with my indecisiveness.
Aside from that Jengo pointed out how I don’t really open up to anybody much. She called me a good listener, and I guess that’s why I have such a hard time verbalizing my thoughts. Did I even use verbalizing correctly? Oh well, moving on. I don’t really think I have that much to say, but the times I do/did I guess it would be nice to have someone there for support. I’m still not to sure about that though, I pride myself in being strong and showing others my weakness like that just doesn’t work.
Next is my calling to be a leader. I enjoy it, yet scorn it at the same time. I enjoy being in charge, but I also enjoy just going my own flow without worrying about setting a ‘good example’ and what not. All I can hope for now is to arise to this given opportunity..
Finally, all the past fragments of my possible loves keep flowing through my mind. I’m a strong girl. I don’t need a lover, but oh how I do want one badly at times. I just realized that we became strangers once again. Do I regret ever having that kind of ‘relationship’ with you that jeopardized our friendship? I’m not sure exactly. All I do know is that at times I do miss you.
I apologize to the others that I give false hope too. I find momentary comfort in you all, but still would not give you guys a chance. I’m a sad hypocrite. I’m a terrible person. You all are too nice and deserve someone better than me…
You Are Now Rockin' With The Blessed: I noticed I’ve developed an immunity. Experiencing emotional pain from... →
I noticed I’ve developed an immunity. Experiencing emotional pain from my failure to sustain a relationship doesn’t hit me like it once did. I don’t relapse back into the same position, but I find myself becoming accustomed to it. I’m beginning to expect to get hurt, which has it’s benefits, but…
Just when I thought I was doing fine..
You just creep back in my mind. Some days I feel like fine peachy fine, then there come moments when I feel just like everything just sucks. I rethink everything retrace the moments over and over again in my mind. What else is there to do? What else could I have done? And why are you so nonchalant about all this? It can’t help but make me think that you just didn’t care that much. I feel pathetic. I had really high hopes about us. I don’t know what else to say to you during the brief moments that we talk now. It deeply pains me to actually be able to feel us distancing ourselves between each other. This probably sounds pretty sappy and over exaggerated coming from me, but if it matters at all; I miss you.
I killed a ghost last night. I killed the thought of you.
— Y-Lai (-eloquence)
